Learning

I'm struggling a bit with how to write this, because it's more complicated than my usual straight-up love for you. I guess maybe I'll start by saying that I really, really do not want you to feel bad, regardless of what you're about to read. But I also feel like it wouldn't be right to myself to leave this completely unacknowledged.

I absolutely had an amazing time these past few days, as I wrote last night. There were so many wonderful little moments — not enough, but that's only because it can't be enough. I can't get enough of you. I can't even imagine that anyone anywhere is ever trying to ever escape from conversations with you… I, for one, would welcome being “trapped” in a conversation with you forever… you fascinate me, and I'm dying to know your every single last thought…

But that last night, after you guys returned from your trek… To me, it felt like a switch had flipped in you. It was… confusing, a bit. Because you were still “on” with me… once I pushed past my own stupid moodiness, we still had some amazing moments (and no, I did not give you either of the cards you joked sounded like a “fun Wednesday night”, btw… though I sorta wish I had! lol). But, all of a sudden you were “on” with him, as well. And… it's not like I don't know, it's not like I haven't seen little moments between the two of you in the past. And, after all… he is your husband… But it's usually been in the background, almost out of my sight. But that night, and to a lesser degree the following morning, it felt to me like the intensity was suddenly cranked way up.

Or, at least… I thought it was. It felt like it was. Maybe it was the same as ever, and I just had a jealousy bug crawl up my butt.

It's impossible for me to know for sure, just like it's impossible for me to know why that switch might have flipped if it really had. I could speculate endlessly… Maybe it was my imagination… Maybe you're polyamorous and it's always been going on and I've just been blocking it out… Maybe he said something on that hike and you were avoiding a fight… Maybe maybe maybe.

It'd be better if I just decided I'll never know and left it at that.

But I do kind of want to say, on the off chance it was that last one… That would have put you in a very difficult spot, trying to minimize the damage on both sides. And if it was that, or if it ever is in the future, I don't want you to worry about me. I won't lie, it's difficult for me to see, but… I do know the score. And while I clearly have a long way to go, I've gotten much better at managing jealousy when it arises. Anyways, I guess my point is, this situation is tricky enough already without me whining about you touching the man you're married to. And how I feel about it is my problem, not yours. And I'm just going to be loving you, regardless.

And maybe trying to look at it as seeing what I maybe might have to look forward to, if I play my cards right (not to mention learn how to speak my words of love to you out loud). I've said it before and I'll say it again… being the recipient of your love is amazing. I can't imagine anything in this world possibly feeling better than being loved openly by you.

And now that I've written this all down on (digital) paper… I'm letting the negative feelings go (well, I already had by last night, but I was just far too tired to write about it then…). The feelings have been acknowledged, examined, and dealt with. No reason at all to hang on to them. And I'm going back to focusing on all of the positive things… on your eyes blazing into mine again, for the first time in what's felt like forever… On you laughing a bit too easily at a lame joke… On you teasing me with that song… On you calling me by my full name… And, might as well fess up since I'm sure you know anyways… on you in those swimsuits… I do love every single last part of you, I really, really do, but… you in that swimsuit walking up that hill in front of me… again…

sigh

Ok, I'd better sign off here before this turns into a very different letter…

(but maybe I'll write one of those later…)

More yours than you can possibly ever know,
♒️